This time its for good

I just came across this old poem I wrote for my mom on May 14, 2002.  Brought back a rush of emotions

 

This time its for good

I want you to know what i feel in my heart, is that in this life, I have always loved you

Even though for most of it, apart

My life is so changing and drastic you see

that somewhere in between, we lost the You and me

The tide is now turning and clear shores amidst

the truth in this writing is we have only this

Dreams to hold on to, and some memories to share

The good ones the bad ones and the seemingly unfair

In my life I believed that as good as it gets

is a mother and father who often forgets

The sanctity of life is remaining and true

the bad memories linger, so bitter, but few

Help me now grow and realize the truth

our lives before this were possibly the worst

We shouldn’t let these years or days go by quickly

Living our lives depressed, hurt or sick-ly

We shall embrace the future and all that it holds

Breaking and freeing ourselves from the mold

The time to embrace and heal is anew

I cant imagine my life with any other mother but you

Together we tackle and take on our dreams

Apprehending and conquering, and unweaving the seams

Life, death and things in between

So many of you may or may not be aware that my mom, Agneta Bordes, passed this friday. I was in San Diego and I got the call from my aunt saying that mom didn’t look good and I needed to get home soon.

I felt it like a wave of fire over my entire body and knew that today was the day that my mom would give up her spirit. The traffic gods were with me as I made it to Topanga Terrace in under 2 hours. As I parked, my mind raced with what to expect.

Upon entering her room, the curtains were drawn and dawn and christina were sitting peacefully by her side. My mother looked so frail and her breathing was shallow. Christina changed places with me and I took my moms hand. Christina announced to mom that I was here as I took her hand.  Her once loving and embracing hand now sat relatively lifeless. 

Not really comprehending that my mom was going to be leaving, I held her hand, leaned in and kissed her, and told her I loved her.  I saw her chest expand ever so slightly and the last inspiration of air, and then all of a sudden, it stopped.

The nurses came in and took her pulse and confirmed the time of death at 4:15 pm.  I released her hand and got up and hugged my aunt Christina and my uncle Don and I wept.

I was sad for a myriad of reasons, but the main one was that the woman who gave me life and cared for me when I was sick and been the voice on the other end of the phone as I went through a terrible time in my life (my divorce), would no longer be there in person, but only in spirit.

It hasn’t fully hit me, just as my dads passing in 2000 didn’t hit me until months even years later.  I know I will have a massive outpouring of sorrow and grief. As I write this, I well up with tears and know that its okay and everything will be alright.

I miss her immensely at times, but I also know she is someplace better in spirit. She is able to roam and be and not have the pain that encumbered her for many months her on earth for her last days.  I am also blessed that I was able to be by her side during the end and that is a memory that will both heal as well as haunt me.

I say this to those that read my blog. Its never too late to make ammends.  Its never too late to open a door you once thought closed.  Every day is a gift, not a right.  Make right the wrongs where you can.  Enjoy every moment you have with the ones you love (as well as the ones your not sure you love). 

There are no guarantees and life was never promised fair. What I can tell you is every moment is a gift if you choose it as such, so go out there and do good, show love and be that love that you desire to see.

I love you all and appreciate your continued support of my writing.

Until next time…

failure or life lessons

We have become a society that is addicted to success.  Everything we do seems to be judged on a success based principle.  If you don’t succeed at something, you are a failure.  I don’t like to call things “failing”, just like I prefer not to say that a thing is “good” or “bad”, but rather it just is.

Often times we have expectations about the way something should go and if we agree with it, we call it a success, and if the outcome doesn’t agree with our expectation, we call it a failure.  I like to refer to those instances, good or bad as life lessons.  When something doesn’t agree with your expectation, it was probably never deemed to turn out the way you wanted it to.  There are certain things you can control and certain things you cannot, my advise is learn the difference and love the ride.

Nobody seeks to start a project, venture or business and have it fail.  The truth is it doesn’t fail, it just doesn’t have the universal blessing to continue.  My belief is that timing is everything.  When timing is aligned, things seem to flow as they are supposed to.  Begin to look at things as projects.  You take on a project and when that project is done you move on to the next project.  If the project doesn’t take the shape you had originally expected, maybe it wasn’t destined to be and most importantly, don’t take it personal.

Enjoy the process and don’t get bogged down in outcomes.  Learn to walk through this life noticing the things that really matter and letting go of the things that don’t.

Until next time…

Traveling and why its cool…

going anywhere...

This may or may not be a random blog for you to read but I am about to begin a month long travel spree all over the US.  It will entail San Francisco, Maui, Las Vegas, Atlanta, and Miami.  Many of you know that I travel a lot for work and when I can find the time, I stay over a day or two in the locations to get a lay of the land and see what it is all about.  Even though I go to many of the same cities time and time again, it is always an adventure.  You see today I sit in a starbucks in Palo Alto,blogging, and tomorrow I will be doing project management in Maui.

I have taken subways, and trains to numerous destinations.  I have studied timetables and directions.  I have learned the difference between BART and Muni and CalTrain and know how to pull the information I need to get to destinations I have to go to.  Can you do the same?  You see some people look at traveling like a headache.  They think that life is all about the journey and getting there.  I can’t tell you how many times I have been sitting in an airport and heard two couples bitching about getting to their destination, mis connected flights and not being able to enjoy their vacation on the beach. What they don’t realize is that the vacation has already begun.  I always say, “its not the destination, but the journey”

If you don’t travel or haven’t taken a trip anywhere, I implore you to do so.  Get on a plane, train, bus or even take a road trip somewhere, anywhere.  Forget your time constraints and leave your expectations at the doorway.  The less expectations you have when traveling , the more you enjoy the journey.  If  there is one thing I have no regrets about, it is traveling.  There have been times I have been alone, maybe slightly frightened, but for the most part, I am able to pull my head together and begin to figure out that I am responsible for where ever it is that I am heading.  I don’t count on other peoples help, however, I am not afraid to ask for it every so often.

When you travel, you get a sense of independence that you don’t get from your job, your family or your every day life.  You can be someone other than yourself.  You can write your own movie script as you walk down some crowded street where no one knows your name and you feel the sunlight on your face and the trees crinkle under your shoes.  You can frame the the scene as you are on the train and look down the car and see the beautiful guy or girl carrying a bag or backpack as they look out the window and the light from the morning hits their face and you contemplate what they may be thinking about.

My point in all this is travel changes you and makes you grow.  It makes you adapt to a new way and not your comfort zone that so many people like to stay in.  Take a step out, breathe in the air, where ever you are and let your trip begin now.  Don’t panic when you cant master a system but rather sit back and embrace it.  If you cant figure out a train system, or how to get from point a to point b, ask someone.  There is no better time than now, there is no better day than today.  Put on some good music and rather than become mindless, see how it adds to the soundtrack of the newest movie…Your life

Until next time…

 

Waking up to gray

Not my image. all rights are that of Scott Sistek (http://www.katu.com/blogs/weather/38901889.html)

Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up after not much sleep and feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.  You have one of a million things on your mind, such as bills to pay, going to work at a job that you may not love, getting a not so great, but truthful email from a friend, or maybe its a phone call or text from someone that you have hurt in some way.  You try to shake off the gray, but it wont go.  You try to find the inspiration, but because the fog is so heavy, you feel socked in.

Today was one of those days.  I got in late last night from a flight back from Boston and in the midst of sleeping for an hour on the plane, like a dumb-ass, when I got home, I couldn’t sleep.  I finally fell asleep at 4am.  I woke up to a gray existence outside.  I also felt the weight of my mom’s cancer on me.  Its this inevitable force that pushes down on my chest and makes me realize that she is not going to be around forever and that I have to go visit her and be with her during this (practically) impossible time of hope in my life.

Life is what we make it and starting off, this day was gray, very gray.  But as I began to sift through the pieces of my life, I realized that much like the aftermath of a tornado or a hurricane, you begin to find out whats important.  Pictures, friends, loved ones and family.  Car notes will fade away.  Money, although it is a staple for our society, will wither and lose value with time.  Even your Klout status will fade as you age.  Its the people on the journey that you can count on.  The true friends with whom you have a solid relationship, who you have gone the distance with and at any moment in time can pick up the phone and say, “Hey, you are on my mind and I want to know why”

Begin sorting out your pieces today.  What is real to you and what can be replaced.  Is it your stuff?  Your family?  Your kids? or even your health?  Stop finding (or looking) for what is wrong in your life, and start to find what is right.  Trust the process and believe that its not all bad to be here for the brief instant we are.  Cherish the friendships and what is real and NEVER stop trusting your intuition.  It is a gift from the Universe, God, Allah or whatever your higher power may be.  We are here as one and we go as one.

Until next time.

It is what it is…

If life were always easy, would there be merit?  Sure it would be nice to always have money in the bank, a sunshine personality, and no backstabbing friends, but the truth is, we were never guaranteed any of that. When something goes your way, it is enjoyable and fulfilling and gives you a sense of understanding and appreciation.  The difficult times, judge your character.  Its easy to run away from conflict, heartache and strife, but what benefit do you get?

Not every situation in your life is going to “come up roses”.  My own struggle with my Mom’s cancer has lead me through every emotion known to mankind.  I have experienced joy, anger, sadness, despair, lonliness and depression, to name a few.  In truth, there are times I just want to run away, but in reality, I know exactly why I am where I am.  Whether its to be by moms side for a few moments and tell her I love her while she sleeps, or to hold her hand for an hour while she battles the intense pain in her mouth, it’s where I need to be.

Often times I am hard on myself and feel like I should be staying at the hospital 24 hours a day in hopes of a miraculous recovery.  The voice in my head becomes so loud that I have to silence it and remind it that I am human and have a life.  I need to take care of me and my obligations to family, friends and work.  One of my favorite sayings is, “It is what it is…” and I say it often and remind myself to breathe and be present in this moment.

Instead of being hard on yourself for the accomplishments you feel you haven’t achieved, or for the goals you think your parents or friends want you to attain, try complimenting yourself on the road that you have just traveled down.  Look back in awe and wonder at both the trials and tribulations that you have experienced.  Then, lace up your shoes and get ready to move forward down the path with a sense of achievement.  You are a blessing and your purpose is now.

Until next time…

Do you love your life?

Somewhere in Miami...

 

Life sucks sometimes, let’s face it.  You wake up in the morning and you feel like you haven’t slept in weeks, you don’t have enough money for your bills, your late for work, forgot to make the kids lunch, spilled coffee all over your favorite shirt.  You know the routine, but the truth of the matter is you can see beyond that if you choose.  Those scenarios don’t have to rule your life.

Every person has the ability to choose his or her path.  Some people choose easy while others choose to follow the path that is meaningful and right for them, full well knowing that it is going to come with speed bumps and all.  The truth is that you know your purpose.  The question is “Will you follow it?”.  You know that little voice in your head (can also be heart or stomach), is there for a reason and when you follow it, you begin to see more clearly.  Doors begin to open and roads that didn’t exist begin to pave right before your eyes.

But what seems to happen is we tend to throw doubt at that voice.  We say we should not listen to it or our mind begins to tell us that we have another agenda.  That once resounding little voice that showed us the way becomes silent and begins to flicker, and we eventually begin to feel lost.  We loose track of time and forget what is meaningful in our lives.

Don’t silence that inner voice, that intuition, that deep seeded knowledge, as it is there for a reason.  Begin to accept that it knows what you need when you need it.  We were never promised sunshine and roses and the struggles we go through make us more appreciative on the other side.

You have the choice today, this moment to make this the best day of your life.  Will you?  Listen to that voice.  What is it telling you today?  Is it the voice of reason or is it a random misguided thought?  The reality is: Today is your day.   Love it as you live it and treat it as if it is your last.   Get the most out of what you are doing and remove the resentment.  Most of all, listen to that little voice…

Until next time…

 

Minimalism: By choice or necessity

So I have been reading a lot about minimalism lately and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I am a minimalist.  Whether it was by choice, chance or necessity, It happened to me in 2005 and again this year.  It actually began in 2005 when I was living with my then girlfriend, now ex, in Bradenton Florida.  She moved back to California after months of not being able to find work and my money situation at the bike store where I worked, unable to keep us afloat.  I had been alone in the apartment with our 3 cats for almost 3 months and was missing being around her.  We had spent nearly 7k getting all of our stuff down to the two bedroom apartment and knew we wouldn’t have enough cash to get it back to California. I am very logical when it comes to matters of this nature, and decided to discuss the merits of downsizing.  The hard part of the discussion with my ex, while on the phone, was looking around at all the things that we had.  Most of our stuff was antique and had been passed down from family, so when deciding that we must sell, it caused an emotional lump in my throat.

After realizing that it was just “stuff”, I was able to convince my girlfriend, that it was just that and could be replaced down the road with other stuff.  I began the daunting task of putting everything, and I mean everything on craigslist.  If it wouldn’t fit in a small trailer to pull behind my girlfriends car, it wasn’t going to stay with us.  We agreed on keeping clothes, some cookware, her bike and the cats; other than that, it had to go.

My plan was to be done selling everything by the end of January 06 so that I could be on the road by Feb 1st.  We broke our lease and luckily just had to pay one months rent as we had someone who wanted to move into our place.  My girlfriend agreed to meet me in tucson and drive the last day in with me, since she had just started work and was unable to take the time off.  We had agreed to live in her parents house for a month or so until we could get off our feet and find our own place.  As luck would have it, after listing everything on Craigslist, the night before my uncle was to fly down and help me load up the trailer, I had a guy make me an offer on the last 3 pieces of furniture that I needed to get rid of.  Of course it was much less than what I really thought the items were worth, but in the end, when you have to go, money becomes less of a necessity and more of a “thing”.

Needless to say, the move went off well, however the relationship didn’t fair well.  It was the beginning of the end for my girlfriend and I.  She needed things and stuff to make her feel safe and secure.  The fact that I was coming back to San Diego with no job and no money, put more strain on the relationship than it could handle.  By December of ’06 we decided to throw in the towel on our 5 year relationship and move on.  She moved out and I stayed in the apartment as I didn’t want to break the lease.  She took my favorite cat, pepper, and I kept the other two, Tigher and Precious.

Fast forward to this year.  I was still living a relatively minimal lifestyle in Leucadia.  I was renting a room right by the beach from my best friends Dad.  I had minimal clothes and minimal “stuff” (Bed, dresser, computer desk and remaining boxes of stuff from 05 move).  I have been very appreciative of the little amount of stuff that I have.  That was all about to change in February of this year.

I got the call from my aunt that my mom wasn’t doing well. She wasn’t able to keep food down.  We brought her to the hospital where they looked at her tongue (she had cancer on the other side of her tongue in 2002, but because of chemo and radiation, it was in remission).  The doctor said initial diagnosis was cancer on the opposite side of her tongue.  The biopsy confirmed it and before long, I was called to the hospital one morning when my aunt phoned and said mom wasn’t doing well and couldnt’ breathe.  When I entered the hospital room, I was shocked to see such a frail woman of 82 pounds.  She was skin and bones.  I knew without shadow of a doubt that I would have to move up to LA and help care for her now.  After I quickly experienced all 5 stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance; I decided the only thing to to was get rid of all my “stuff” and move up to LA.

I can tell you now that aside from losing a loved one, walking away from 3 wonderful, loving and unique cats, could be the hardest thing next to death that I have had to face. I gave away and sold most of my stuff, but the hardest thing to do was to give my girls away.  (BTW they are in a wonderful home at the moment, but I still need to find a permanent place for them to live)  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about them and miss them, but I did what i felt I needed to do and that was be here for my dying mother.  Aside from a few towels and necessities, 1 box of school books and 1 box of holiday stuff, I am almost down to the bare minimum.

I sleep on a borrowed bed in a room that was designed to be an office.  I don’t have all the things I once owned that I thought made a house a home.  Instead I have a place to get out of the weather and to rest my weary head, and to be honest, in a weird kind of way, I really like it.  I find it very liberating to go through stuff and figure out what it is that you really want and need.  I’m also not done, and find myself now looking around the room at stuff I don’t really want nor need.

You see, we fill our lives with things that we think we need that are going to make us happy.  We get one thing and after it loses its luster, we move on the the next (best)thing.  After that thing loses its luster, its on the the next next (best) thing and so on and so forth.  The reality of my journey is, I need 4 things.  My laptop, my cellphone, a camera, and the love of family and friends and that is it.  The rest of the shit works itself out.

Ryan Bingham, from up in the air gave a speech at his seminar.  That speech was this:

“How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life… you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home… I want you to stuff it all into that backpack… The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks. “

Now I know that some people are swans and I am not trying to convince anyone to become a shark by any means.  My challenge to you is that the next time you walk by something in the electronics department, or a neat gadget in the household store, ask yourself, “Do I really need that, or just want it?”  How much does your life weigh?  Is that weight worth the fight?  If the answer to those questions is a lot and no, you may want to think about cutting the fat out of your life.

Suitcase of clothes

camera, phone and Macbook Air

Until next time…

PS.  I do have a car that I pay for monthly, but I am not afraid to walk away from it in a heartbeat.  Its just a thing that gets me from point a to point b.  If point a and b were closer, I could walk.

Movie Review: Our Idiot Brother

 

3.0 out of 5.0 stars

Synopsis: This is the story of an idealistic man who, by process of sheer honesty and being himself, begins to ruin his sisters lives.  He is an every day guy that may not fit the norm of every day life, but in his heart he means well.  His honesty is extremely forthright and his naivety is often times unimaginable.  In the opener he gets arrested by selling weed to a cop, because the cop confesses he is having a bad week and Paul Rud, who plays Ned, feels bad for him and gives him weed.  To make matters worse, he ends up taking 20 dollars from the cop.  After serving 8 months for good behaviour, he comes out to a world that he still remembers but that doesn’t really exist.

Review:  This was a very well done movie by director Jesse Peretz.  The casting was very well chosen and the characters seemed to flow.  The story line was consistent and this movie had some great one liners as well as some really funny parts (If you go see it make sure to stick around til the end as there are some great out takes).  I wasn’t laughing throughout this movie, but I did see myself in this movie.  He was a very laid back kind of guy that didn’t deal well with drama and basically assumed that mankind is inherently good and that it is in our best interest to assume the same.

There were some parts that could have been left out, or condensed such as him getting, his dog Willie Nelson back.  Also the arrangement between his ex girlfriend was at times drawn out.  There is an anger scene during charades where Paul lashes out.  I think it goes in line with his simplistic lifestyle and can be interpreted in a number of ways.  In general, its not the best movie but it is definitely worth a watch…on DVD.

Until next time…

 

 

 

Steve Jobs increased my quality of life

The man who helped make my life more enjoyable

So Steve Jobs stepped down at Apple this week.  Everyone has heard it, tweeted it, retweeted it, google +’d it, +1 it and face’d it.  I decided to write this weeks blog about it.  I don’t know Steve personally, but I feel like I do.  I own a mac, I have read many of his quotes and seen many of his product launches.  Mr. Jobs has had fundamental impact in my life.  Did he get me into blogging, not really. Google helped me with that.  It was actually my 10th grade creative writing teacher that inspired my passion, but Apple made me enjoy it more. I feel like I have a relationship with my mac and can confess my life here in my blog because of my mac.  As I write I become one with the machine and the ideas begin to flow.

Steve didn’t invent the internet, his company has made it better, for me at least.  I became a mac addict just over 4 years ago with my first macbook (white), then macbook aluminum, macbook pro and now MacBook air.  I love the fact that I can just open up my mb, find a wifi signal and begin to share some of the trivialities in my life, like music, movies and thoughts.  Sure I could do this on any platform, but I really feel a connection to my MacBook.  I love sitting down and punching in my thoughts and sharing them sometimes with an unknowing or expecting audience.  With that being said, my thoughts and prayers go out to Jobs.  I am not sure if personal health kept him from being able to continue with Apple as CEO or if he just needed a break, but whatever the reason, I salute him for doing all that he has done.

He helped to revive a brand and helped us all to connect in some way or another.  Whether you own a mac, ipod, ipad, use itunes, have an iphone or know someone who does, you could agree that the reach of apple products is far and wide and due in some part to Steve Jobs and for that we are all thankful and in some way better because of it.

Until next time…