Drive By Blogger

So i received this email today. You just cant make this stuff up.

Hello Chad,

You don’t know me, and I don’t know you……and I prefer to keep it that way.

Did you boink my girlfriend, Name removed to protect the innocent

No animosity or jealousy here…….just want to know so I can cut things off with her if this is the case. I think she’s been sleeping around lately….and I’m just not into that kind of thing. If she is, then we need to go our separate ways and live out our disperate lifestyles. I don’t like games and just want to know which is the best for her, and for me……..

Thanks in advance.

And please keep this between us too.

Sincerely,

Mr En

My response:

Mr En,I do not know of your girlfriend. Is she a friend of mine on facebook? Why would you ask me this? Do you have trust issues? What has led you to believe that she is sleeping around?

Just curious.

Sincerely
Chad

Mr En responds:

Hi Chad,

Yes. She has photos of you on her phone and had some on her desk a while ago. She became very secretive when I simply asked who you were, etc. She was showing me photos of her dogs on her phone and you were saved on there. She quickly deleted the photos. Odd.

She’s the owner of Name hidden to protect identity.

I find honesty very important in any relationship. I don’t feel she’s being honest and just hoped you could validate my feelings, so I could move on. I don’t want to waste time with someone who does not respect me in the same way I do them, etc.

Sounds like I’m wrong, but thank you for your honest reply.

Mr En

Bottom Line: Trust is a double edged sword. I hope he is able to validate by talking about it with her.
I never “boinked” his girlfriend

Until next time…

How i loathe thee…let me count the ways. So lets see, we have shows like The OC, The Hills, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Real Housewives of (whatever), big brother, big sister, sisters momma, mommas momma….

Seriously, I know some of those shows don’t exist but mark my words, they will be coming soon to a television set near you!

Have our lives become so inconsequential that we have to resort to watching other peoples lives on TV, wishing , longing for, hoping to have a piece of the so called “reality” we see on TV? GET A FUC&*%G LIFE! If your life is that bad, you are that miserable and you are that boring that you have to watch a show that makes you wish to be someone else or be able to spend a day in someone else’s shoes, you need to re evaluate.

I refuse to watch that crap and when i say crap, i really mean CRAP! Go read a book. There was this awesome thing that was founded hundreds of thousands of years ago called a library. It doesn’t cost you anything to join (unless you loose your card) and you can get some great information there. If reading isn’t your thing, try taking your TV obsessed girlfriend or boyfriend for a walk, without your cell phones and have what some people call a conversation. Remember those, you would get on the phone or actually talk to someone face to face? If you want a refresher, call me…not text, call and I can explain what a conversation is.

Seriously, lets not become a society of idiots. Lets actually try to make a better place to live for our kids (I have none that I know about, that doesn’t mean Im not nervous). Lets set an example for future generations that we REALLY wanted to leave the world a better place. Better yet, throw your television out the window, or better yet, call up your cable company and s*&t can your cable service. (I can hear death threats being generated in boardrooms at Cox, at&t and verizon as i write this). Lets become human again and not robots

Until next time…

So today I woke up in a relatively good mood, although I did have a screwed up dream about my ex wife, her father and some random people I have no idea about. I woke up at 6:30 and tried to embrace the day, even though I was a bit drag-ass. I checked my email and began to prep for my day, for on this day, I decided to do a ride with my friend Eileen through Elfin Forrest. Note to self: Rides from now on start at 7am not 9 as previously thought was okay as 9am leads into a noon ride which equals heat which equals a bitch.

I realized today that I will never be a Lance Armstrong, or even the guy in last place in the tour for that matter, however, I did realize that I love the ride and just being out doors. I completed a 50 mile ride today and it felt good, not great mind you, just good. I got off the bike feeling accomplished. The fact that I was moving and doing something made me feel better about the day. I think the biggest reason I felt good is because I forced myself to be in the moment. I felt the heat of the sun beating down on me, I felt the air warm up as we rode further from the coast, I heard the tires on the pavement, and I cherished the cool air as I got back to towards the coast near Solana Beach.

Im not perfect. Sometimes I just get caught up in the moment. I feel like I have to be superman and fix people and the world. I want to help all those in need…call me altruistic. I was listening to a song the other day and it hit home for me.

“It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive, Even heroes have the right to bleed, I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede, Even heroes have the right to dream, And it’s not easy to be me.”

Sometimes I just take it all in and can’t find the way to let it go. I know I have been extremely negative or debbie downer lately and I apologize. I am human and have human emotions sometimes. I appreciate all your support. So many people reached out and said they care and it made me realize I am not alone. The human condition is alive and well…

Until next time

PS. expect a lot more cynical shit from me in the future…I have realized that the journey is the best part and as my friend Catherine said,

“Life is not a destination, it’s a journey.. be who you want to be – no one gets an award when they get to the end of this life who has the most money. It’s about being happy, the most simplest of things.
It may be a mid-life crisis.. or maybe just a mid-life assessment.. what and how can I fit in all the things I want to do in the next 30 years.”

I wanted to believe in humanity
I wanted to believe in love
I wanted to believe in the human condition
but I was let down

I wake now to a new day
on in which I know I don’t matter
On the realization that life is random
and everything I learned was a lie

I wanted to believe in karmic goodness
in hope that life could be everything
that I could make a difference
but the truth is, i will never

Its not that simple
the unexamined life isn’t worth living
you have to question and doubt everything
before you can begin to see what is real…

In a city of Seattle, where there are Starbucks on practically every corner, while on a brisk evening walk back to my hotel after dinner, the realization hit me, ” I fucked up”. It relates to a lovely woman I met coming back from Atlanta, who made me miss a breath when she sat down on that plane back to San Diego. To say she was beautiful, intriguing and the ideal painting of what my ideal mate would be like, would be an understatement. I took a chance and figured I would put myself out there for this one, almost positive that she had a boyfriend or a fiance that would be waiting for her when she got off the plane.

I later found out that she did not and arranged a date with her later that week. I won’t bore you with the details, but she ignited that spark and just being around her made me forget about time and just be in the moment. The conversations from that point on were inspiring, and extremely enjoyable to me. After each date I would look forward to planning the next one or possibly seeing when I could see her again. She really stirred something in me that I hadn’t felt probably since beginning college.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of feeling and being honest and being unable to listen to what she wanted. She was pretty clear on what she wanted, yet I pursued, thinking that by maybe being completely honest about my feelings towards her would change how she felt. I did what I thought I was supposed to do and that was to be completely open, or more so than I already am. She even inspired me to write fountain pen letters to her and deliver them at odd hours during the day either to her car, or mailbox. To be truthful, she brought out my youth again and was young and believed in love and falling head over heels for someone.

This weekend proved to be the test. She was spending time with friends and I wanted her to have a great time. I tried not to get involved but I couldn’t stop thinking of her. I would send the occasional text or possible email, hoping maybe for a minute that she may respond, or in my dream call back or text and say, “hey I am thinking of you too” I realized in sending the texts, or even the emails that it was too much and very much undesired. I was brought back to something that a friend once told me, “The one who cares the least in any sort of relationship, has all the power”.

I texted her in the a.m. and apologized for my insecure behavior. I was advised that it was too much and that we have different expectations. I said that I would step way back and again apologized. At that moment, I was then reflected back to a question that my friend Ashley asked me, “what do you believe in?” My answer, “Absolutely nothing” I don’t believe in heaven or hell, god or the devil, good or bad or even myself for that matter any longer. And at that moment, I became free.

I am bummed slightly because I really liked this girl. I feel like I was just getting to know her. My rushed actions and feeling like a school boy, pushed her away. Maybe someday she will forgive me and we can start at friends…

Until next time…

So, in hindsight, maybe I didn’t choose the right career. Maybe I wasn’t pushed towards things that may have sparked my interest, or driven in a fashion that other kids were driven. Maybe today is another day in a series of many in which I can’t separate from my head? Truth is , I have no idea.

We focus our time on self help books to help us find the answers. The Christians look to God, the Muslims look to Allah, the worldly people look to Eckhart, Deepak, or some other random guru of enlightenment. The honest truth is…its not that simple.

Most of us wake up in.a foul, somber or downright depressed mood because of the hand that life has dealt us. We have too much debt, can’t pay our rent, car note is 2 months late, and we don’t even know who we are. We walk around like zombies, under the innate desire to feast on human flesh or brain assuming that, “maybe that is all there is”

We try to break free from the life that has bound us, yet instead we are snared. Maybe the great ones are called to be there for a purpose. Maybe they inspire us to be better people, but do we? Do we become better people, or do we form the image of a better person that we think everyone would want to see? Maybe some of us regardless of the images we form in our mind never really become that better person unless the deities or universal power sees fit. Just because I can visualize a puppy, doesn’t mean I can make one, nor can i make it manifest. If I could manifest the life of my dreams, wouldn’t I choose a nice life, with a great home, loving family, decent car and no debt. Not an over the top life, just a life in which money wasn’t always the central theme or concern. Why in the fuck would I manifest a life of stress and worry? Not logical to me.

Many of you may be saying, wow, this isn’t a recognizable format for you Chad, you are always so upbeat. Truth is maybe life isn’t’ all fucking rainbows and unicorns. Maybe sometimes we really need to question our existence and the darkness that resides in each of us. Maybe we need to start digging deep to find that little dark spot that stains our very existence and dissect the shit out of it. Maybe, just maybe, They Might Be Giants was wrong. Maybe there is no way to make “a little birdhouse in your soul” I heard a quote once and it struck a chord with me when I first got out of junior college, (yes thats right I went to junior college, its not a real college but rather and extension of that miserable place some of you might of known as high school) and that is “The unexamined life is not worth living”

Maybe our mind can’t be silenced. Maybe we try to silence it by blocking out the sounds or palpitations its sends out. We learn to live in the now and keep the mind in a loop of beauty, peacefulness and tranquility. Sometimes that is fucking boring. Maybe we just want to live. Maybe our parents and the school systems lied to us. Maybe there is no such thing as a good life. Maybe all the ideas that were crammed into our heads are shit. Maybe Jack was right…Maybe this is as good as it gets.

My point being, don’t discredit the darkness. It exists and is real and the longer you spend denying it, the worse off you will be. Go as deep as you possibly can into that dark hole and find out where it leads you. Alice did it…so should you.

Until next time…

Hilly Ride by chadbordes at Garmin Connect – Details.

Great ride. Lots of hills in the beginning, then tapered off. It was such a gorgeous day today. Thankful that I rode as it was much needed.

Oceanside by the water .

until next time…

My life is a day in waiting. I wait around for things to happen and somehow, they don’t seem to happen. I do all the things I am supposed to do, or feel i need to do. I get up, make my bed, clean my room, brush my teeth, feed the cats, clean my bathroom, shower, shave and get dressed. I look for work, not just any work, but meaningful work, something that will make me happy and allow me to grow. I don’t want a job…something i just do, i want to make a difference and have people respect me and walk away feeling better.

Lately, I am stagnant. I don’t feel like I am affecting anyone. My days start and end the same and I slowly feel myself dying inside. No sense of accomplishment, no love for what I do. I focus on what I want, however that isn’t entirely possible when you can’t visualize yourself doing anything. I dont’ know if I should be working in technology, with people, or just as a cashier at a wal-mart. Nothing is clear, direction is unknown.

I don’t want the answers, but I would love a nudge. Universe, God, infinite being—send me a sign. Help me help myself…a little nudge, thats all I need. Maybe a nudge with a spark. Something that inspires me, enlightens me. I am just at a loss and a little disconnected.