My moms memorial

This was my speech (memories) at my moms memorial.  1/21/12

I will try and get the audio up soon.

 

This is a favorite of mine.  I just recently rediscovered it:
HOPI PRAYER of The Soul’s Graduation:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
My Spirit is still alive…

Nobody likes losing a family member, or anyone for that matter. The loss of a Mothers is  particularly hard because of the bond we develop with them.  It is said that the bond between a mother and child is stronger than any chemical bond in the universe.  I agree.

My mother was a wonderful and beautiful lady even until the day she drew her last breath.  She always had a smile on her face even when she regardless of her situation.  She always had a wonderful way of making me feel better.  She was the first call I made when something fantastic happened in my life, and she was on the other end of the line when I hit the some of my lowest times.  No matter what the call she always listened, and made herself available for me, and in some cases cried with me, even if we were a few hundred miles apart.

My mother was truly one of my best friends in the world.  We weren’t always that close, however, when my father passed that I began realizing that nothing lasts forever, and I need to take advantage of moments.  At the time I was busy trying to keep my marriage together and  trying to climb the corporate ladder.  I lived in Colorado when my father passed and I made several trips to the coast of Mississippi to help my mother get settled in the best she could after losing a husband and life partner after 31 years.  My father took care of my mother and made sure she always had food, water and shelter so it became a big change for both of us.  I tried to be there for her as much as I could.  We talked on the phone almost every other night and it was great because I got to learn so much about her.

When we finally moved Mom to California, it would become a great time for me as mom settled in to her new life with my uncle Don and Aunt Christina.  It also put her about 2000 miles closer to me so I was happy for that.  Shortly after her move here, she was diagnosed with cancer.   Unfortunately, due to my work, I wasn’t able to be around mom that much when she went through her first round with the disease.  I thank God for the support of Christina and Don.  They tirelessly took care of her and made sure she got to all her appointments.  I called as much as I could and drove up as often as my schedule would let me.  My moms spirit was unbreakable and she was determined to beat it.  With help from Don and Christina, modern medicine and homeopathic help, mom beat the immanent threat and went into remission.

When the new cancer showed up in February, my move to LA was a no brainer.  I decided to sell all my stuff, put my kitties in good homes, and move up and stay in LA so I could be close, because I didn’t know how much time we had.  I was blessed to have the opportunity to be with her at the hospitals and be by her side.  We shared some great moments, we laughed, we cried, we got angry at the cancer and eventually we accepted it.  I feel in my heart in the end she was fighting to stay alive because she was worried about me, about Christina, and about her chihuahua, Poquito.  She held my hand during some of the most excruciating  moments of pain and I would stay with her while she would fall asleep.  She was often in pain, but  she was a fighter and didn’t like giving up.

In the months we were together, I had the opportunity to laugh, to love and to experience loss.  It is a grand achievement and a beautiful one at that.  As we are born, so shall we die.  We all know that our time here is limited.  My mom, infected everyone she met with a sense of love, light and humor.  She was here but a brief moment but her legacy lives on with me.
In my closing, I would just like to say that my mother was a wonderful person and helped me to open my eyes to the beauty and amazement of this world.  She helped me to know its okay to have weak moments and not be strong all the time. Whenever I needed a friend or to hear her voice, she was always on the other end of the phone.   She also taught me that life, however brief, is worth the fight for every minute we have here.  She instilled in me a sense of faith in things unseen and that laughter, in dark times, is our best medicine.  There is not a day that goes by that I won’t remember our time together here and all the wonderful things she shared with me.  Even though your not here physically, I feel your energy every day and am thankful for it.

Thank you mom for always believing in me and teaching me the value of showing up, and for loving me unconditionally.  You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

I write, i rhyme…

I listen I learn, i grow I yearn

I need some accomplice, to help me sort it out

I need the light to break the dark

I need to love to break the lies

My beliefs limit my abilities

My thoughts drown out my passion

devoid of ideas, yet full of doubt.

I wish i could remember who i am

Don’t try to find it for its not there, rather build it as fair as you see

dont listen to the haters, especially in your mind

ride your neon bmx bike and show them what you do

be that nurse or that gardner the best you can be

bum that cigarette light as if its your last

enjoy that sun as it beams on your face

text that message to the friend you love

use that youth as if it will never cease

be yourself and write your own

rhyme those lyrics like they are well known and feel the passion overflow

notice the clouds, see that tree

make sure you take the time to breathe…

Enough

My bottle is full

So I have been feeling very uninspired lately.  I can’t write, can’t focus, severe bouts of anger and resentment, pain in my back and an all around shitty attitude.  As many of you know, I was in Maui and before you go off on your “poor bastard” speech, let me tell you it was no walk in the park.  It was long hours and lots of tension, which I try to field and normally don’t let get into my psyche, but on this particular day it crept in like a fog off the pacific on a luke warm day.

I seemed to be running around like a mad witch in search of a newts eye on this particular program.  I couldn’t focus and found very little respite in spite of it all.  I did have an amazing view from the 18th hole and the 9th coming  up behind us, but something was off.  I met our first security officer, Steve, on Friday for the start of the tour.  Steve was a very soft spoken but nice guy.  He greeted all the participants with a smile and an “Aloha”.  His attitude started to rub off on me and I began to see things differently

The last two days of the tournament, I was blessed with the presence of Randy Gallegos, who used to live in the mainland as a mortgage broker.  This guy has a heart as big as IZ.  Welcoming smile, generous handshake and a very kind voice.  We began talking and I shared a little of my life and he shared the same with me as friendships go.  He pointed out something to me in my desire to become enlightened and that was the concept of “enough”.  Lately, I have been having struggles with buying into the whole system (many of you know this as you are invested in family, cars, mortgages etc) and just being content with what I have.

Randy shared with me his struggles on always wanting more and in that conquest for more, he began to drift away from what was really important to him, which was time.  Time with the family, time with friends and time to work on the things he really loved.  He shared with me that while in LA, he never seemed to have “enough”.  He was always looking for the next best thing.  He said since he has moved to Maui, that he continually has “enough”.  He has enough time, enough love and enough of everything he could ever need.

I realize that my cup is always full.  I always have enough.  I have enough love, enough time and just enough friends.  Its not to say that I don’t welcome more in any of those areas, however, I am slowly recognizing the abundance in my life and that I don’t have to always listen to the lingering, foreboding thoughts in my head that try to teach me otherwise.  It is with that thought that I wish you “enough” as you move forward into 2012 and the rest of your years.

Until next time…

Starting off the new year right

Happy New Year to you and yours.

 

I just got this email from a friend.  I think it is a great way to start the new year.  I am always happy to get little reminders that I am on the right path and that I am affecting people in a good way.  I love you all and wish you a great 2012.  I am so thankful for all your support and love and really appreciate your friendship, readership and you as a person.

Happy New Year, my friend …
As I’ve shared with you, I’m not a reliable blog participant, but I have periodically checked yours out over this past year – and I just learned that your Mom has passed away.  Please accept my belated, yet sincere sympathies.
I hope this doesn’t come across as patronizingly “I know how you feel” …but I also lost my Mom this year.
It sucks …
However, you have eloquently put down your thoughts and emotions during this sad journey, and I’m hopeful that with the oncoming days and weeks, you will remember with love and happiness all that she was to you ..
obviously, I never had the pleasure of her acquaintance – and I only have a somewhat passing relationship with her son … but I know a good soul when I see one, and I have always appreciated and looked forward to our connections — however sparse they may be ..  you posses a sense of character, integrity and sensitivity that I admire and I trust your faith and optimism will not let you down as you face the new year .. which one hopes, will afford many more opportunities to cross paths ..

May 2012 shower you with blessings and love.  I look forward to updating my blogs and hearing back from you.  Your feedback is invaluable.

Sincerely

Chad

My friends Christmas party and my stay at the Roosevelt

So a very good friend, Shawn Antonio, had a Christmas party at the W Hollywood and It was very cool for his first annual Christmas event.  I met some great people and had a few cocktails in the process.  I didn’t stay super late as I had been driving all day and was just downright tired.

 

Introductions and laughter...

I figured since I was going to be there, I would stay in Hollywood for the night and I chose the Roosevelt and I am not sorry for one minute that i did.  The hotel has a lot of history and a lot of character associated with it.  Supposedly Marilyn Monroe’s ghost resides here, but it could just be speculation.  There are numerous restaurants and great night clubs at the Roosevelt, unfortunately because I was there for such a brief time, I wasn’t able to sample all of them.  The front desk and bell staff are super friendly and get the idea of customer service.

I do want to focus on the rooms, specifically, my room.  I was given an upgraded deluxe room since they couldn’t find my reservation.  The room is very bright and I truly enjoyed the color scheme.  The beds may be the most comfortable that I have ever slept on.  The pillows were the perfect firmness and the I woke up at 6:30 without the aid of an alarm.

The thing that stood out about my room and I will always remember is the shower.  It is a very large fountain head directly above you, but what i really like is the volume of water that runs when you turn the faucet on.  It was like being under a waterfall and when you wake up in the morning, nothing feels better than a hot shower that douses you completely.

I would definitely recommend this hotel to anyone coming to the LA area.  it is a bit pricey, but I think you will enjoy the accommodations.  Make sure to check out all the bars, including the rooftop lounge. Book your rooms in advance as they tend to book up fast on the weekends.  You will have fun, love the beds, the shower and the employees.  It may be the just the break you need, all the while making you feel like a celebrity.

Here are some pics of my room:

Until next time…

 

Some days the world hits you with the bat…

I try to be a good person.  I don’t intentionally lie on my taxes, I don’t ignore those in need, and I try not to hurt people or animals.  It seems that the universe has a specific message that it needs me to know.  What ever life you come into or meet in this life, will have long standing implications in the future.  Your actions affect everything in your sphere of being.

As many of you know, My mom recently passed from cancer, however, what you may not know was what I gave up to be with her and by her side.  As I have mentioned before, I have no regrets for my decisions, but there are ramifications with everything.  I was living in Encinitas at a great friends house right by the beach.   It was compound style living but it was good.  Everyone there was friendly and family like.  I had a very simple existence with a bed, a dresser and my clothes and my three cats.  I wasn’t a cat person, but somehow the three girls won their way into my heart.  I didn’t know what to do with them and after time, they grew on me and it turned out that we had a mutually loving relationship, I would feed, care and clean up their minimal mess, and they in return gave unconditional love and support to me.  They always greeted me at the door and would tell me about their day.  Often times I would find myself caught up in moments where, I would just stare at them, play with them or pet them for long periods of time.  It was very therapeutic.

In march my life was turned around with the diagnosis of my mom and her cancer.  I knew I had to be by her side and by the grace of Universal love, a friend offered to take care of the cats and hold on to them as long as she could.  About a month before my mom died , I got the call from my friend that the 3 cats, plus her two were too many and that we would need to find homes for them.  As Universal love would have it, another dear friend found them homes at a rescue that same day.  (There are no coincidences in life).  I felt like  a small weight was removed from my chest.  I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Today, almost 2 months after my moms passing, I get a call from Animal Rescue in San Diego saying they raided a facility on the 17th and one of my cats turned up among 90 that were reclaimed.  My heart sank into my stomach.  There are moments in life that hit you with certain severity, and this was one of those moments.  I walked outside my office and began to cry.  There was a resounding echo that  had reverberated  back to me and that was, “nothing goes unaffected”

I did the best i could with the girls when I had them.  I loved them as much as I possibly could and gave them shelter for as long as I could.  In a small way, I feel like a shitty parent that couldn’t handle the responsibility of having kids, so I walked away.  Now I know that isn’t true, but in my heart, it is hard to separate that feeling.  Bottom line here:  Everything you do, everything you say,and how you live your life, has an affect on those around you.  I want to get in my car and go rescue tigher right now, but I don’t have a home to keep her in, unless I go find an apartment.  I am not sure that is in the cards right now and truthfully it sucks, because my girls were my kids.

Sometimes life goes exactly as we imagine it, other times, it goes exactly as it needs to.  In my case, there is something that I need to learn from all this.  Stop your life every so often and figure out what the universe is saying to you.  Don’t become a robot in the process.  Be good to your fellow man, love the animals and every so often, pick an apple off a tree and eat it.  Allow yourself to feel and most of all be loving.  Pepper , Tigher and Precious, I miss you daily and love you more than you will know and sorry I couldn’t do and be more for you.  Hope one day you will find it in your kitty hearts to know that I truly did and do love you.

Until next time…

tigher and pepper

precious in the planter

Movie review: The Descendants 4.5 out of 5 stars

“Paradise? Paradise can go fuck itself.”

Whether it is cancer, an aneurism, an accident, or just old age, you can’t choose how your loved ones will die, but what is for sure is what you can do while they are alive.  This movie does an excellent job and analyzing relationships, understanding the human condition, and working past the difficult moments in life.  George Clooney, Shailene Woodley and Nick Krause deliver exceptional performances.  (Many of you may not like Nick, but He grew on me).  The movies seemed to be unscripted at many points and you wont know whether to laugh or cry.

The director is Alexander Payne, who brought you Sideways, About Schmidt, Election and most recently Hung (the series on HBO).  He is really good at examining the complexities of human relationships.  Basically George Clooney is a land baron in Hawaii whose wife was in a speed boat accident and it has left her in a coma.  He realizes he has no idea how to care for his daughters and decides to bring them all together and be a family and deal with his relatives and the pending land deal that is on his desk.

I found myself crying much more than normal with this movie.  I think because it it so close to home with my mom.  There were scenes in the movie that I replace George’s wife with my mother.  There is no way  to really be prepared to say goodbye to someone you love, regardless of how well you prep.  Somehow the universe jumps in and holds your hand and eases you through the transition and sets you down on the other side.  Sometimes the set down is peaceful and other times the landing is rocky but the truth is that you will always pull through.

I loved the relationships in this movie especially between George and Shailene.  It made me realize that so many of my fears and limiting beliefs are bullshit.  The ending scene in the movie, which I am not going to give away, made me, the only one in the theater clap.  This was a very well done movie and I was able to connect with it.  I move it into my top ten.  If you have some time to kill, go check it out and tell me what you thought.  I would love to hear from you.

Until next time…

Taking a step back…

Sometimes in life we have to take a step back and re-assess where we are in the world and in relation to people.  To often I get involved and vested in people that I don’t know that well and begin to ingest their problems and in that process, I lose myself.  Its similar to the reason that I decided not to get into a relationship so many years ago, after my ex and I broke up.  I found myself to emotionally vested in the relationship and forgot about myself. 

I find myself much more at peace right now.  I have found a more normal sleep pattern and seem to be getting my 8 hours of sleep, unlike my normal 5-6.  I wake up fully rested and without lots of anxiety in my life.  I have been spending my days getting ready for my grandmother to come over from Sweden.  I am working on getting her room painted and getting the wood floor down.  I feel re-connected and energized.

I have felt the call of being a healer in my life.  I also realize that because I vibrate at an energy level higher than most, that people whose vibrational energy is lower than mine, are attracted to me.  This can lead to problems because they can drain your energy.  This happens when I became emotionally involved.  I had a good friend texted me up and pointed out some things that I was Naive to or not allowing myself to truly see.  This is a huge thank you to them :-)   I also realized that I was never recharging and just slowly depleting.  Its one thing to be a candle whose flame is transferred from one to another, its totally different when your out of wick.

Life goes on and I am still here.  I appreciate my days upon this earth and cherish every breath.  I just had a very close friend, who was heavy on my mind and I decided to text them.  She responded by saying, she didn’t know how I did it.  She advised that she has cancer and has been better.  My heart sank.  I asked if there was anyting I could do and she advised nothing but pray.  Again, I am reminded that this life is a gift and there are no guarantees.

I hope you all have a great holiday season and I plan to write more now that I have free time on my hands. 

Song of the day: Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke

Until next time…

Been a while…

Random picture on a random day

So its been a while since I have posted anything on here.  I have been so busy with work and working on trying to get through most of my moms stuff that I have been forgetting to write.  Sometimes, I stare at a blank page, cursor blinking and I draw nothing.  My mind so desperately wants to come up with a topic to write but its like there is an incredible chasm between the brain and the fingers.

Lately, to be truthful, I haven’t felt the inspiration to write anything.  I feel like I have been putting everyone elses fires out and keeping the balance, that I don’t know where to take time for me.  I have wanted to delve into my book but don’t have the motivation.  I want to read, but I am lacking the focus.  I have been enjoying my fair share of netflix and hulu lateley thats for sure.  Not to mention that I have been sleeping in almost every day that I am home.  Its funny but I have my alarm set for 5:30 and when i finally get out of bed is 7:30 or 8.  I guess it is true that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

It could be the loss of my mom and just soaking it all in.  I miss her, and my dad.  I was scanning photos yesterday and found a bunch that I forgot we had of my dad holding me and being a happy dad. I saw pictures of my young mom holding me on her lap and smiling at the camera. It makes me think that despite all my head has told me, my parents truly loved me, even if they didn’t know what to do with me.  I was not in the grand plan, but miraculously showed up.  Maybe I was the catalyst that was needed for both of my parents to sit back and say, “so this is what its like to be grounded and responsible”

I look at babies around me and I smile because sometimes they are so damn cute.  I don’t think I have what it takes to be a dad, but I also know I am not the best judge of these things and if the universe says so then, I listen.  I look at couples and see that some of them, in that moment, are genuinely happy and content with their significant other.  I am too scared to go down that road and allow myself to be that vulnerable.  I don’t like the hurt that accompanies the whole falling in love, get comfortable with, suddenly finding out that we are not compatible scenario of love.

Winter is upon us here in California and I will spend another holiday season alone, by choice.  I of course will be with the family that I have here, Aunt, Uncle and grandmother, but no significant other.  As I talk to people, and they ask the inevitable question, “How come you are not with anyone” or “why are you not married”, and the simple truth of it is choice.  I just don’t want the hurt and pain that I have experienced in the past.  I would rather be responsible for my own happiness and sadness and not have to share that with anyone.

I feel like I suffer from detachment syndrome.  There is nothing that I really get attached to.  I am a constant observer in the universe, but try not to get involved in anything unless I am asked to.  Often times I am asked to help out, and I am just there for a brief moment to help people get over what ever obstacles they may have in their way.  Sometimes the obstacles re-present themselves, in which case I jump in to help out, but for the most part, I am like a fly on the wall that gives advice but then flies away.  (Being a fly is not really the image I was trying to put into your head, but I think you know what I am trying to say).

This post didn’t really have a point.  I would say it was incessant noise and I apologize.  Sometimes I just like to write and sometimes I am blank…Unfortunately this is one of those times.  I will try to get my head back in the game and get some inspiration.  Have a good night.

Until next time…

This time its for good

I just came across this old poem I wrote for my mom on May 14, 2002.  Brought back a rush of emotions

 

This time its for good

I want you to know what i feel in my heart, is that in this life, I have always loved you

Even though for most of it, apart

My life is so changing and drastic you see

that somewhere in between, we lost the You and me

The tide is now turning and clear shores amidst

the truth in this writing is we have only this

Dreams to hold on to, and some memories to share

The good ones the bad ones and the seemingly unfair

In my life I believed that as good as it gets

is a mother and father who often forgets

The sanctity of life is remaining and true

the bad memories linger, so bitter, but few

Help me now grow and realize the truth

our lives before this were possibly the worst

We shouldn’t let these years or days go by quickly

Living our lives depressed, hurt or sick-ly

We shall embrace the future and all that it holds

Breaking and freeing ourselves from the mold

The time to embrace and heal is anew

I cant imagine my life with any other mother but you

Together we tackle and take on our dreams

Apprehending and conquering, and unweaving the seams